Why Runners go to Hell?

It was the best of times … and it was the worst of times! Denizens of the middle world (earth) were marathoning in the millions but when they reached past the gates of heaven or hell, as per their fate, they were unable to run as no suitable running course was available.

All complaints and petitions to God fell on deaf ears until the voices reached Asha, the dusky mini-skirted assistant of God himself! Asha, a leisure runner lent a sympathetic ear. She caught God by his suspenders just before he was to leave for North Korea to diffuse the missile launch crisis that was brewing there.

“Sir, the heaven and hell bound runners from earth have nowhere to practice!” Asha released the suspenders and in her husky voice attempted to warn God the best she could, “They are now numbering in the millions. Unless you do something, this terribly depressed group will just explode and cause wide spread rebellion. You know how badly public order has been jeopardized on earth by extremist groups!”

God listened patiently to Asha and summoned the Celestial Engineer and ordered him to set up a marathon course - one in heaven with all the frills and one in hell with all the drills - and gave him just one day to set up everything!

That should have been the end of the story, except that the next day thousands of complaints piled up on God’s desk. When Asha pointed this out to God on his return from Korea, he said

“What’s new? Everyone complains!” and he rushed off to Syria to defuse the crisis there.

But what actually perplexed Asha was that all the complaints were from Heaven and not a single one from Hell! Since she had taken the initiative, Asha decided to investigate. She had an open pass for both heaven and hell; only earth was out of bounds as it was considered too dangerous.

Asha landed at Heaven’s new marathon grounds. She was shocked to see very few runners and none after the 10km milestone. Her investigation indicated that there was a single, straight as an arrow, flat 50 km marathon road with astro-turf. At every one km there was a hydration point with a contract given to Ganapati, an ex-liquor vend contractor from Gurgaon. She whistled in amazement when at a hill, an escalator had been installed to take runners up to the top. The temperature was set at a balmy 21 degrees Celsius, the ideal running condition. However, the few runners that Asha could see looked like beginners while the rest were picnickers and kids goofing away. Where were the elite runners? She talked to one of the runners as he crossed his third Ganapati point and this is what he had to say: “Running? Hic? I have just been laid off … I worked at Heaven’s gates in immigration but lately the flow has subsided - they say because of all the scams in India - I am just working out my anger!” Another runner offered another perspective, “I have not been able to go beyond the tenth hydration point, I don’t know why!”

As she passed the menacing gates of Hell protected by heavily armed angels to prevent escape, Asha saw a very different picture at their marathon grounds. There were hundreds, even thousands, of runners jostling for space with cars and trucks over a long winding, narrow and broken road. The course ran only one kilometer but mercifully was in a loop. There were no hydration stations as signboards along the way banned any construction or even parking along the way. However, the runners slowed down next to pink colored cars which trailed long plastic tubes for drinking and apparently served as hydration stations. The temperature was well above 45 degrees Celsius and an even more uncomfortable 90% humidity. To beat the heat, the runners wore Chinamen hats with small water tanks on top; pulling a string released a shower! Some of the runners carried ‘kebabs’ on their backs which they quickly roasted over the rocks along the road.

Perplexed, Asha, who was by now sweating even in a mini-skirt, started running alongside one of the runners and asked, “What is all the enthusiasm about on the marathon track?”

The runner who introduced himself as Vikas, non-chalantly replied, “Sure beats the hell out of Hell … why, we are even ready to challenge heaven to a Marathon Olympic!”

“And how often do you run?”

“We run every day as long as we don’t get run over by a car or collapse out of exhaustion which is our biggest challenge. You see, the air pollution can soar as Hell’s regulations do not allow for CNG or bio-fuels. We do, however, issue warning to road runners when the pollution levels jump. We have tried regulating the number of cars that enter the marathon course. Everyone does not comply and we have periodic fights. We are still working on it.”

Asha returned to God’s HQ very disappointed at the lack of enthusiasm in Heaven to marathoning and wondered what to do. She had a near altercation with God as he scrambled back from Syria. This is how it went:

“God, sir! You have to do something...the marathon program is not working in Heaven.”

“I have no time, I have to get back to Iran … they are getting ready to test an atomic bomb … Oh, why did I give these puny naked apes so much brains?”

Asha persisted, “You have to do something about the marathon course in heaven, the real runners are not using it!”

“Isn’t it good enough for them?” God was so furious that a tsunami formed off Indonesia. He screamed, “We gave them a seven star marathon course … if that is not good enough for them, LET THEM GO TO HELL!” And he hopped into his Celestial Shuttle for Iran.

God’s piercing scream was heard all over Heaven including by the immigration authorities at the brightly coloured Gates of Heaven. The immigration authorities immediately started diverting all self proclaimed marathon runners to Hell!!!

As Asha entered God’s office next morning, she sighed, walked over to the universal computer and changed her listing from ‘Runner’ to ‘Also Ran’!

What she needed was a very long vacation.